i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
