where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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