how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
you would pick up someone in the library
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
