you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
