I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
