Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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