I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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