I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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