you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
