and you said cock pushups were impossible
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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