So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
