I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
