i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
