She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
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