On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
