i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize