She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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