somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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