I am puke
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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