So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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