I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I want to be your penis for a week.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
