You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
