girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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