Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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