You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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