A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
