I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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