did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Randomize
