I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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