So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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