I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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