Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I wish I only lived at night.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
