A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
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