How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
