Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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