So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize