I wish I could punch you in the face.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
this hospital has no fireball
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Randomize
