I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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