Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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