He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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