I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
