Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
