did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
