Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
