we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
