New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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