Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
