i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
