ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Randomize
