I think I died a long time ago.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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