I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
