We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
