On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Randomize
