Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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