I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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