good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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