So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Randomize
