he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
