My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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