I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
