he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
