I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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