Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
