you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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