When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Randomize
