This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
