I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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